Yesterday, I was browsing posts from my old blog that I kept when I lived in Cambodia several years ago. I found this one, just over six years ago that hit me right in the heart. It feels like I’m in the same place all over again, living a slightly different version of the same story, dealing with the same challenges and feeling the same emotions. In some ways, maybe I am still learning the same lesson?

Here’s the text of the blog post from May of 2014. Just change some of the circumstances slightly and I could have written this today.

CONSIDER THE LILIES

May 20, 2014

I wake up and for a split second, all is at peace in the world. I’m still in that place halfway between dreaming and awake. Then my eyes open and my brain kicks on. Suddenly, the anxiety starts to creep from my brain down my into my chest and on into my stomach. I have to stop sleeping. I have to get up and get going! I have 300 hundred wedding invitations to hand deliver. I have a midterm to write. I have to buy another suitcase and start packing. Should I sell this or store it or take it back with me? No, no, no, don’t start thinking about goodbyes yet….There’s so much to do, so much to figure out, so much to worry about today! 

My family is coming in 11 days. I’m getting married. I’m quitting my job. I’m selling and giving away almost all of my belongings. I’m moving back to the US and I’m not sure for how long. I’m taking my new husband with me, who’s never been to the US or even on a plane, and we are moving into my parent’s basement 48 hours after our wedding. Sure, the challenge of change and transition certainly won’t end there, but right now it’s hard for me to see past the next three crazy weeks!

I recently took a spiritual gifts test, and one of my highest scores was for the gift of Faith. Let me tell you, it is definitely a GIFT, because it didn’t come from me! The problem solver in me always wants everything fixed and figured out. But what I’m realizing is, the more experiences the Father gives me in which I actually can’t get through it on my own, the more he helps me grow in Faith. 

What a refreshing breath of air it is to me during these hectic days to reflect on Matthew chapter 6. He says “Don’t worry about your life…Consider the lilies of the field. They don’t labor or spin thread. But if He clothes the grass of the field, won’t he do much more for you–you of little faith?”

Ouch. What convicting words. You of little faith. And I think, How is everything going to come together for my family’s visit and my last weeks of teaching? What am I going to do with all of my possessions? How will everything be ready in time for my wedding and my departure? How am I going to say goodbye to this place and these people that I love so dearly, without really knowing when I’ll see them next?  I don’t know how. But I know that I can’t make it through this alone. And I think that’s where faith starts.  All it takes is an act of surrender and obedience, and then there’s room for faith to grow.

Oh may I have the grace to surrender my worries to Him in order that faith might bloom in me! When I consider the lilies, the anxiety in my stomach begins to disintegrate. I remember that He loves me more. In light of that, there is peace. 

Fast forward to 2020 . . .

Right now it’s hard for me to see past THESE three crazy weeks! My mind right now is filled with concerns.

• Will we be able to comply with all of Cambodia’s new travel restrictions?
• How will our kids will handle the trip and all the nose swabs?
• How am I going to say all the goodbyes?
• What if we get COVID-19?
• How can I keep myself and my family safe and healthy through all of this?
• What in the world will our life look like over the next few months? 

Finding this blog post was a good reminder to me that someday I’ll be on the other side of this and look back at how God was with me every step of the way. 

Note on the cover photo: Instead of a lily, I chose a photo of a frangipani, one of my favorite flowers in Southeast Asia.